Big Slow Tournament Day 1 Preview

**Pasted with implied permission from Guest Buffet Columnist, the Great J&C's Dad**

Worse

Illinois-Penn State. Penn State is coached by Ed DeChellis, who joins a long line of hacks in the job going back to Bruce Parkhill. That's really all you need to know. The high-water mark for this program was when one of the Dunn twins knocked off Matt Doherty in the second round a few years back. The Lions did manage to hold Denver to 39 points back in December in a game that was enjoyed by no one.

Hotline favorite Illinois used to be a thing of beauty to watch. But Bruce Weber and his bi*chy personality have run the program into the proverbial ditch. Weber should spend less time whining about Telephone Sampson and more time in Peoria and Chicago finding some players. Watchability: 3, but only if Weber wears the orange jacket.

Worser

Northwestern-Minnesota. I like Tubby Smith. He got screwed at Kentucky. But he's joined the Big Slow, and he will be mocked. Minnesota played a lot of bad teams this year. Really bad teams. Like the Kennesaw State Owls, perhaps named for former MLB commissioner Kennesaw Mountain Landis. Minnesota has not had much recent success, despite apparently being acquired in the off-season by McDonalds. Northwestern has NEVER MADE THE NCAA TOURNAMENT. "The historical lack of success is powerful," Carmody said recently as he sat in his office at Welsh-Ryan. "What has happened has happened. It's there for everyone to see." Yes it is, Bill, for two freaking hours today in the Big Slow tournament. By the way, I have no idea if Bill Carmody still coaches at Northwestern, and I don’t care. Dante is writing a new chapter of the Inferno in which Oregon State and Northwestern play each other for eternity. Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale call the game and talk about Duke a lot.

But wait, there's less . . .

Worstest

Iowa-Michigan. Wow, we're missing this game now. My apologies for not alerting you sooner. Iowa beat Michigan State 43-36 earlier this year. It was 20-18 at the half. I've been unable to confirm a report that Henry Iba attended the game and began yelling "Shoot it!" every time a team crossed half court. Iowa did manage the rare feat of splitting with fellow Iowa schools Northern Iowa and Iowa State, and managed to stay close to Drake, the best team in the state. But Hawkeyes are simply unwatchable.

Michigan lost to Harvard. And that was before Amaker starting cheating. If you want to see bad players chucking threes, come watch our rec-ball team. It's cheaper and the games are a lot faster. Plus, occasionally some thug will try to kill Leif, which is more entertaining than this game