The Ancient World

Holy Talor Battle. Somewhere, various Crispin brothers are ecstatic. Who says teams in the Big Slow can't score quickly? Perhaps more importantly, who cares about Division I men's basketball? It's Division III tourney time! And that means time for another installment of Number 3 on Paper but Number 1 in Your Hearts!

But first, actually, we're going to talk about high school basketball. Why? Two reasons: (1) Why not?; and (2) because the Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic Association Class AA boys basketball tournament starts tomorrow, with the Trojans of York (PA) Suburban High School taking the short drive down Queen Street--or, if they're more adventurous and want to avoid traffic, or if they're just coming from the Haines Acres/East York end of the school district, the back way down Camp Betty Washington Road (known in some circles as "The Route of Destruction" for various traffic near-mishaps that various 16- and 17-year-old drivers enjoyed in the early 1990s) and Springwood Road--to Dallastown Area High School (alma mater of pretty much nobody of interest except an odd mishmash of hillbillies, trevors, and overrated goalies who concede goals on breakaways by occasional Buffet staff members), where they'll take on Abington Heights, a high school high atop a grim, desperate bluff in the coal country outside of Scranton. Hey, it could be worse; at least there haven't been any fires burning in the mines underneath town for the last forty years. Rest in peace, Centralia, PA.

The Trojans last weekend won their first ever District III championship in boys' hoops when Mitch Kemp [not pictured above celebrating, although that picture does raise two questions: (1) Why is that dude wearing a Clemson shirt? and (2) Suburban has a black guy on the team?] hit a 23-footer at the buzzer to beat Wyomissing, 48-45, at the Giant Center in Hershey, PA, the sweetest place on earth. (The Giant Center, incidentally, is not, as I had thought, simply a renamed HersheyPark Arena, the famed arena where I scored at least a couple of goals in indoor futbol and where some tall hoopster scored 100 points in an NBA game; the Giant Center apparently replaced HersheyPark Arena a few years ago.) Unfortunately for York Suburban, senior point guard Ryan "Prevarication" Kinard--a four-year starter who assisted on Kemp's game-winner in the district finals, has been suspended for what Coach Tom Triggs tersely called "a violation of team rules," a violation that at least one blogger (people blog about crappy high school basketball? WTF?) has identified as underage drinking. I can't tell you anything about Abington Heights other than the stuff I already made up. Go Trojans!

But enough about high school basketball; after all, this writer is the Buffet staff member assigned to cover NCAA Division III athletics. And so on to the NCAA Division III men's basketball tournament we'll move.

Said tournament began tonight at campus sites nationwide, campus sites that tomorrow night will include Franklin & Marshall College, nestled among the row houses, abandoned factories, toxic dumps, and meth-cooking Amish teens of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. The Diplomats (22-5) lost to hated rival Gettysburg73-67 in the finals of the Centennial Conference tournament over the weekend but got an at-large bid for their first appearance in the D3 dance since 2004. Here, the Dips will play Wesley (18-9); the other first-round game at Mayser Center features Brandeis (17-8, and yes, their nickname is "the Judges") and perennial power Scranton (21-6). Wesley rolled past Marymount the other night to win the Capital Athletic Conference championship and earn their first ever Division III tournament bid. The Dips, on the other hand, used to go to the dance all the time, and I think went to the D3 final four in their last tournament appearance. Coach Glenn Robinson was, rumor has it, hired over some little Yoda-looking dude named Pete Carril forty-some years ago and has been running the Dips ever since. F&M was rolling along for most of the season and was ranked in the top dozen of so nationwide until a late-season swoon, with three losses in their last five games.

In other D3 men's hoops news, Trinity (Texas) beat Maryville (Tennessee) tonight, 68-64, to advance. Way to go, SuperSweet!


But onto the main event for the weekend: women's D3 hoops. That's right, the York College Spartans are in their first-ever Dance. The Lady Spartans have had a remarkable season, dropping their season opener to Messiah (understandable; it's tough to beat G-d's favorite team) and then reeling off 25 straight wins, including the first-ever 16-win undefeated season in the Capital Athletic Conference, before losing in the CAC tourney final to perennial conference power Mary Washington, whom they had already beaten twice, thus adding further creedence to the old cliche that it's tough to beat a good team thrice in a season.

Was that loss to Mary Washington an anomoly, a blip, an indication that they like perfect squares and thought a 25-game winning streak was just fine? Or is it a sign that the Spartans are running out of gas, perhaps overrated, and soon to be exposed? Certainly, we hope it's the former; this team is led by six seniors (not all of them start), meaning that they likely ought to win this year if they plan to win. Tops among the seniors is point guard and Jostens Trophy finalist Keli Ward, a 5' 7" nursing major from Oxford High in Nottingham, PA who apparently passed a class taught by the General. Solid effort by her. At this time we haven't had a chance to review her transcript to see if she ever took a class taught by the Candidate. Ward was the CAC rookie of the year as a freshman and has only gotten better, this season averaging 16.7 points, 7.8 rebounds, and 7.2 assists per game. She finished the regular season ranked first in the CAC in scoring, assists, steals, three-point field goal percentage, and assist-to-turnover ratio, is third in free throw percentage, fourth in field goal percentage, tied for fifth in three-point field goals made, and eighth in rebounding, and is ranked second in the nation in assists and fifth in assist-to-turnover ratio. That is some straight stat-sheet stuffing.

But the Spartans aren't a one-woman team: sophomore April Sparkman, a 5' 10" guard, averages over 15 points per game, and Amanda Andrews (another 5' 10" guard, and yes, I'm borderline shocked that D3 women's teams have 5' 10" guards) and Chanel Perez (5' 11" forward) both average just over ten points per game.

Despite losing the CAC final, the Spartans were rewarded for their 25-2 season with the right to host their first-round game and, if they win that, their second-round game at venerable old Wolf Gymnasium. That first-round game is against Christopher Newport (Christopher Newport has women's teams?), and the opposite first-round game features Cabrinia and Baruch. Don't know much about any of those teams.

And that's it for this entry. Check back late tomorrow or early Saturday for updates, and enjoy the games.